Waiting for Mr. Right ....

Waiting for Mr. Right...

Ready to take good chance again

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

 True, many times in the past , I am waiting far too long for a man to ascend to his own greatness and I will  always only end up,disappointed.

I am often stuck  into the bargaining stage of a relationship, but once my heart and mind meet and decide to let go, there will be no turning back.

I used to be afraid of being alone,  it’s always like one  relationship after the other and I never knew what loving yourself is all about years ago, back then I know that I love myself that is why I strived for everything to make myself happy. 

But I realize I am so wrong. I never  knew that loving thyself means, knowing what you deserve. ;)

All those years  I am pretty  much busy waiting for someone to love me that I have forgotten about the one person I need to love first.. “myself”.  I began to the innermost process of self-discovery about loving thyself while discouraged and saddened at crumbling of my relationship. Then, I began to explore love more.

When the love you’ve known has become emotionally painful and psychologically scarring. When you a reached a point in your life wherein  you felt you’re unloved and shown love in unhealthy ways.

How do you still  love back  another person? 

When you have grown weary and jaded, what is it there waiting?

My long avoided wisdom comes from the happiness when I chose to end it all that fateful day, when tears rolled down my face from a bottomless pit of fear, hurt , anger and frustration that have welled up over the years. I never knew it then, but I definitely know now that when I choose to end it all, I was not only leaving behind the years of treachery, lies , deceit and betrayal.. I was also choosing to be happy, mostly for myself after everything that I have been through with love.

Yes, I may seem to mustered the art of letting go but every time a relationship fails,  it’s still hurt so bad, but it was happiness I have found when after  few weeks of contemplating and raising my fist against the Universe for the many misfortunes  of love that had befallen me, I finally had the courage to dust myself and  move on with life… alone… because I was choosing to smile again.

And life couldn’t have been any better after so long.

I realised  that this entire experience of trying to love again was meant to teach me, to be humble that for a man not ready to commit, I will never be enough.

Just like what Kris Aquino said : "I needed for my love to be declined for me to value those who accept my love with so much gratitude, and I needed to realise this important life truth: True love doesn’t find you, neither do you find it. You build true love together, and you can’t do that when you're tired, jaded, or weary. Love is built by those who have inspiration, determination, fortitude, trustworthiness, loyalty, courage, childlike faith, openness, enthusiasm, and enchantment with what is, plus all that will be." And so I believe.

The gates of heaven opened up and poured, rush in God's blessings, filled me with more love than  I ever dreamed. All i needed to do was to let go and clear the clutter that blocked that doorway.

It was really nothing but happiness , as I write this blog  exactly  full 12 months after everything ended,  alone?  Yes, but there is a certain kind of inner peace and happiness. And  for the first time after so many years I wasn’t looking for love. I’m peacefully content with myself waiting for love to find me. I never thought I would still be given a chance to be happy ever again. I was in shambles, my heart was in a million, tiny pieces then, but  I have healed.. 

Now i am patiently waiting for that someone .. with that one look.. one smile, for the right time, right love for Mr. Right to come along the one who can make everything right again.

 And so I really have no choice but to be happy. Happy for myself, hoping  for a new love to come,  can't wait to be happier for a new found love in another man’s arms soon.

I realised that,It was happiness when I chose to forgive, and it was happiness when I chose to forget. It was happiness when I decided to let go, and it was happiness when I chose to part with all the pain of the past years. Because while it was a very difficult choice to be happy despite the roller-coaster ride of the past decades,  in the end the choices that I made only led to becoming stronger, wiser, and more capable of love than ever before.

Because it is only now that I realize, over the years when I thought I was always choosing to be happy, it has never occurred to me that all the while, happiness, actually, chose me. 

And I couldn’t be happier since.